Mum should have gone to Iceland!

Gossip mag readers have threatened to march on the Wirral over the news that ex-Atomic Kitten mime artist Kerry Katona has been made bankrupt in the High Court.

 

Fans of Heat, OK, Hello and The New Statesmen reacted furiously when they found out that they are unlikely to reclaim money they invested in the 53-year-old mother of four.

 

“I think it’s disgraceful,” said 22 year old Melanie Yankelbutt. “We’ve basically paid for Kerry’s lifestyle over the past ten years and it looks like we’ll get nothing back in return.”

 

Samantha Gotnosense, 19, was equally disgusted: “When I think of all the money I spent on ITV premium rate phone lines, Atomic Kitten singles, copies of Heat and frozen products I feel sick, I don’t even like Aunty Bessy’s Yorkshire Puddings.  ”

 

In court, Lord Chief Justice Ima Outoftouch ruled that Katona had run out of time to pay back a massive tax bill – believed to have been run up while she was working for Max Clifford as a full time z-list celebrity – and so declared her bankrupt.

 

Summing up Justice Outoftouch said: “I hope that this ruling serves as a lesson to all the talentless, media-obsessed no-marks out there that the taxman does have a sense of humour. Declaring somebody with zero earning potential bankrupt is actually quite funny, unless you’re one of the people that was paying for her lifestyle.”

 

Katona wasn’t in court for the verdict; instead she was spotted at her publishers discussing her new book “My Bankruptcy, My Story.”

 

Sadly, for the legions of Katona’s investors the future doesn’t look quite so bright although Iceland has offered two-for-one deals on all frozen chicken products for anyone with a ticket stub from an Atomic Kitten concert.

Whose f**king stupid idea was that?

A learned colleague came out with one of the most logical, sensible and well rounded opinions the other night…ban the brainstorm.

 

It’s so simple. Why do we get a load of people into a room; many of whom will have no direct experience of the issues involved; and ask them their ideas and opinions?

 

And what’s with the “No black hats?” Say that again and I’ll stick a balaclava on and kneecap you when you’re not looking.

 

Look, you’re idea’s shit and I’m not going to insult my intelligence by going “yeah, it could work” and then mindlessly riff around the subject matter for 10 minutes trying to mentally picture how a photo shoot with Lassie the Wonder Dog will help a storage virtualisation client position its new RAID array with the channel media.

 

Brainstorms need to be downsized to a small group of people with specialist knowledge. And they need to be led by one person who already has a good idea of the positioning strategy and brand messaging before a marker pen goes anywhere near a white board.

 

It sounds like PR heresy but it genuinely is the most sensible suggestion on PR 2.0 that I’ve heard in a long time.

 

Anyone disagree?

 

Off to The Big Chill

In Betsy. I’ll report back next Tuesday.

Eat shit!

Apologies for the Anglo Saxon but it’s that Giles Coren, he’s such a bad influence.

I’ve just seen the front page of today’s Metro “Human sewage used for cereal”

I can’t decide if this is slightly worrying or the ultimate in organic farming?

Anyway, it’s not as if we don’t eat shit from other animals is it? Anyone that’s scoffed a prawn, clam, whelk or crab has definitely had some crap, and I remember as a kid helping my Grandad cart shedloads of horse manure for his allotment. You should have seen the size of his marrows.

And, working in public relations, we shoul take this revelation with good grace. After all, we supposedly speak so much of it - admittedly of the bovine variety - I guess we should learn to take it as well.

Might give the Coco Pops a miss for the time being though.

A noun named malice

Hell hath no furry like a food critic subbed.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/jul/23/mediamonkey

Not sure I agree with his over use of Anglo Saxon, but I get his point about the sub guessing what he wanted to say rather than just subbing the piece for error and style.

I can remember thinking I was going to get the sack when the sub on “Sega Force” finished with the first article I turned in. It took a year but I went from a very loose to a very tight writer and used to get annoyed when a joke was changed or edited on what seemed like a whim.

Still, don’t be suprised if The Times is advertising for a new restaurant critic next week. I’d apply but the first time they took an ‘it’ out of one of my sentances I’d be up for manslaughter.

Rave-in for Dave (in)

As if having an ear infection, swollen glands and a sore throat isn’t bad enough, I’ve found myself glued to a Sunday Times magazine article on Tory leader David Cameron.

Despite being a Tory, I normally avoid these things like the plague. Whether it’s Tory/Lab/Lib or Other, I know that every trick in the book will be used to make sure I finish the article singing ”Things Can Only Get Better” or some other awful banner song.

Last time I read one, I was attending a Farmer’s Market in Croydon and signing up for voluntary work in Lambeth before I knew what hit me.

This time though I am genuinely impressed. While I never voted for Blair, I was still fairly excited when he got in…and so have felt the same sense of embarassment and anger as many Labour supporters. But reading this article, specifically how Cameron believes he and the Tories should behave in both opposition and in power, I am left feeling resolutely optimistic.

I’ll spare you my take on the article, but try and track down a copy of the magazine (I can’t find it on-line only a precis).

With Dave in Westminster and Barack in Washington…we could be OK.

Ahead of her time

Great piece on Radio 4’s PM programme about electronic music pioneer Delia Derbyshire.

Best known for creating the Dr Who theme tune (though she didn’t write it), anyone with a passing interest in electronic music has a lot to thank Ms. Derbyshire for.

Previously unheard recordings from the late 1960s have recently been found including an experimental track that sounds like it could be released next week. Listen to it here.

Given the heightened publicity around this story, I wouldn’t bet against this piece being sampled by one of her contemporaries in the very near future…if only I knew one end of a mixing deck from the other.

How did they get it so wrong?

Robert Murat has been awarded £600,000 in damages over allegations made about him and his friends during the Madeleine McCann abuction investigation.

On reading the reports, it seems that many of our major national newspapers printed wholly untrue and damaging articles.

How did this happen? Surely you need to be 100% sure of your facts before you start making accusations about criminal records, paedophilia and sexual assault convictions?

Then again, if you consider that Murat consulted Max Clifford when these allegations were first made you get an idea as to why the media has become so unreliable.

Clifford challenged the PR industry to “come and have a go at him” in person on the subject of lying to protect a client. He advocated, through what he calls an off the cuff remark, fixing a story in a newspaper so that a client’s reputation would be protected.

And in this celebrity obsessed culture he has the power to ‘protect’ reputations.

So we’re in the strange position Murat - a man who has had untrue stories published about him in the national media - actively seeking advice from Clifford, a ‘PR Guru’, who advocates publishing unture stories in the name of reputation management.

Admittedly, the issue of Murat being labelled a paedophile in the context of a child’s dissapearance is a far graver situation than Clifford’s example of changing a gay twosome to a hetrosexual threesome with the invention of a fictious female, but there’s still a clear conflict of interest.

I dare say Murat will now sell his story and add to the compensation he received, I just pity the next innocent bugger that gets wrongly accused of something thanks to our careless - and some could argue morally bankrupt - national popular media.

Happy Birthday To Me! (well my blog)

Note To Editors is one year old today! Hussah, pip pip and the bumps all round.

Oh go on then, you can do a leg and a wing if you really have to.

Spamusing

Anyone else noticed a new trend in Spam subject headers? They’re going for shock news value rather than offering to “increase my rod to make the girls wail.”

Current corkers are “Spielberg Dead In Freak Accident” “Madonna in Sex Scandal Affair” and “Nadal Disqualified From Wimbledon Win.”

They need to get better at giving realistic “Sent From” names as “Maygar” and “Chantice” kind of give the game away.

Still, I’m chuckling at the thought of those kindly (re: gulliable) souls - usually East Anglian vicars who fall for Nigerian 419 scams - who are at this very moment, lamenting the passing of a great director; saying prayers for a fallen singer and worrying about the reputation of the great game of lawn tennis.

Ah, so it’s all down to Asda

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7492573.stm

Now I understand why the UK is in the shit soup, it’s down to us naughty middle classes wasting food which somehow makes African farmers poorer and hurts people on lower incomes.

I can’t work that out either. However, for those who also can’t understand why our PM has decided to make UK food wastage an issue here’s my take on his logic:

Food wastage by the British middle classes is the single biggest problem the UK is facing because:

1: Too many people are driving to Asda thus increasing demand for fuel.
2: House prices are falling because too many people paid too much for houses that had big kitchens.
3: Knife crime’s is only an issue because too many people bought posh knife sets thanks to the popularity of prime-time celebrity cooking shows.
4: Gun crime is high because too many people bought guns to open soft drink cans when the ring pull has come off without piercing the lid.
5: Credit card debt is high because too many people are buying “Taste The Difference Range” instead of Tesco Basics.
6: The spectre of terrorism still haunts the UK because of the low price of chapati flower and 1kg bags of sugar.
7: Food gives the Conservatives energy.

Putting my flipancy aside, I understand Brown’s point well enough, but in the current climate is coming over all Nanny State on the British Public about wasting food a wise move?

Of course, The PM can’t stop being the PM just to play popular politics but I’m not seeing him doing much on the popular politics side either. 

For example, there are currently 304,000 names on a Government petition to lower fuel duty, that’s a sizeable chunk of the populas f you consider how many of us actually vote.  All I’ve heard on this subject are some vague words around suspeding a proposed duty increase on fuel…which must be music to the ears of sales reps and hauliers.

Man in Pub 1: “Ere, honest Gordon and that Darling fella have heard our pleas. They’re not going to raise the fuel duty at the next budget.”

Man in Pub 2:“What, you mean they were going to smack another fuel duty increase on even though we’re being crippled by the current costs? So what they’re going to do, in essence, is nothing and currently ‘doing nothing’ is crippling us?”

Man in Pub 1:“Arse”

Again, I’m being flippant but you see my point. With the (digested) food hitting the fan on law and order, falling house prices, private debt etc. is getting all Nanny State on us over private food wastage really a pressing issue for Summer 08?

If this does remain a campaign theme, expect to hear a Simple Minds song on this pressing issue in the charts by August.

I suggest the title ” Don’t you forget about Brie” but I’m open to alternatives

Never

A Which? report out today contains the startling news that take-aways have high levels of fat and salt in them.

???

Please tell me there’s no one in the UK - other than the criminally insane - that didn’t realise unlablled curries and Chinese meals were bad for you?

Even the revelation that there can be 19 spoonfuls of sugar in one Chinese meal portion shouldn’t come as a suprise. What do people think they make Sweet and Sour sauce from, Canderel?

Prosecuting Prize Prat Ryan

Great, magistrates in Guildford have given Carte Blanche for people to buy themselves a session of mindless violence against an innocent party.

Boy-band crooner Lee Ryan got fined a measley £500 (although total costs run at just over a grand) for punching a taxi driver who had the temerity to ask his girfrield for insurance details when she crashed into him. Read it here

I imagine ex-Blue member Lee spends a grand like I spend a quid. Still, should I ever make it to Millionaires’ Row it’s nice to know that I can use the legal rule of precendent to buy myself a good spanking whenever I feel the urge to let off steam.

Lee reckons his girfriend crashed while giving him a kiss, more likely she did an Arthur Fowler and crashed while desperately fiddling at the iPod trying to get Blue off the stereo.

Postal strike

I haven’t posted recently because I’ve been busy…common mitigation for bloggers I dare say.

I also haven’t really seen anything that’s caught my eye to blog about. However, a sudden desire for electro sparked by a new album purchase has caught my ear and provided the soundtrack for Summer 08

Check out Cut Copy’s latest album (MySpace link here). It sounds like New Order (circa. Technique 1989) got together with The Editors and E.L.O for a jam while Peter Gabriel made the tea.

Tremendous fun.

The end of The World’s Leading?

No, not the popular satirical PR blog (which as all us self-deniers know is only in hibernation) but the fatuous claims made on press releases and other marketing bumph by companies you’ve probably never heard of.

I reckon this new legislation on Consumer Protection and Unfair Trading Regulations could spell the end for these absurd boasts.

I look forward to the email table-tennis that will now surely follow as UK PR folk remove these bold statements, only for their non-UK masters - and no, it’s not just the Americans - to re-insert them.

Mind you, I dread to think what we’ll have as a replacement, you can bet it won’t be an honest assessment of a company or product’s worth in its respective industry or sector.

We have a new name for deceit

Consider the evidence. The Catherine Tait show wins the People’s Choice Award at the 2005 British Comedy Awards.

The producers have lined up Robbie Williams to present the award, but bizzarely he stipulates that he will only do so providing Ant & Dec win.

Despite this being an open vote, someone with authority apparenly gives assurances that this will be the case, instead of telling him that they won’t rig an open vote. Low and behold, Ant & Dec win despite Catherine Tait getting the most votes.

A spokesperson for Production company Michael Hurll Television today called this “confusion.”

No mate, it’s cheating, deceit, lying and theft (of the voters money). The second half of the show was also broadcast with a 30 min delay so when they encouraged people to vote the lines were not only closed, the award had also been given out, albeit to the wrong people.

It beggers belief that a) this was allowed to happen and b) that the production company still can’t call a spade a spade and admit that someone in authority set out to deceive the public on purpose just so they could get Robbie Williams of all people to present an award.

ITV is equally culpable as it made extra revenue off telephone voters. Read the sorry story here

I don’t know why I’m that surpised though especially when you look at what goes on in Westminster. Blair’s “weapons of mass destruction oh no, it was safety of the UK, err, rougue state” philandering on the invasion of Iraq has given carte blanche to any corporation to treat the public like mugs. After all, if your Prime Minister does it, it must be OK.

All ears

I’m a big fan of Michael Holden’s All Ears in the Saturday Guardian. Here’s one, I overheard in the sandwich shop next door to work this lunchtime.

[scene] An Italian-run sandwich shop in Holborn, London. It’s lunchtime and the staff behind the counter outnumber the customers 3-1. A portly businessman walks in, briefcase under his arm. He places an order.

Businessman: [overly jovial] A smoked salmon sandwich please

Italian waitress: What sort of salad?

Businessman: On brown bread please, lots of lemon and black pepper?

Italian waitress: Salad sandwich on brown bread?

Businessman: [incredulous] No! Smoked salmon [laughs too loudly] ha, why would I want salad?

Italian waitress: You don’t want a salad sandwich?

Businessman: I don’t eat salad at home so why would I want it on a sandwich?

Italian shop owner: You want smoked salmon yes?

Businessman: Of course I do. I’m having that when I get home as well. [concerned] You have got smoked salmon haven’t you?

Italian waitress: [to her boss] He doesn’t want salad sandwich on brown?

Businessman: What sort of sandwich shop doesn’t sell smoked salmon?

Italian waitress: So you don’t want salad, you want smoked salmon instead?

Businessman: [unaware that no one is listening] Only, I’m having gravlax tonight. That’s smoked salmon but with dill on it.

Waitress: Smoked salmon sandwich on brown with lots of lemon and black pepper?

Businessman: [in a smoked salmon world of his own] Have you ever had gravlax? I love it, I eat it all the time

Cupid stunt

Hands up everyone who thought Dwain Chambers having a trial at Castleford Rugby League club wasn’t a publicity stunt?

 

[counting…]

 

Hands up everyone who thought it reeked of opportunism the moment the press release went out.

 

[furious counting going on]

 

Athletics bores me to death so I don’t feel much anger towards a drugs cheat. Plus he ran for Great Britain and since the Scottish and Welsh seem to be doing their own thing these days, I can’t say I’m that narked with him sullying the Union Jack.

 

However, I’m p*ssed off with Castleford saying that it wasn’t a publicity stunt.

 

I know chuff all about Rugby League or being a professional athlete – as the Wii Fit confirmed on Saturday – but even I could tell you that a bloke who needed drugs to run in a straight line and twice failed to become an American Footballer wouldn’t make it as a Rugby League player.

 

I suppose there’s only one career move left for him now…reality television. Best of luck Dwain, I’m sure you’ll be a millionaire within months if you pick your shows carefully.

Ofcom 1 Interesting Radio 0

James Whale has been fired from Talksport for breaking the Ofcom code of conduct by urging listeners to vote for Boris Johnson in the London Mayoral elections.

 

I didn’t realise that independent radio stations were bound by impartiality guidelines.

 

Contrast the James Whale news with this anti-Boris piece of comment from The Guardian. I particularly love Charlie Brooker’s contribution at the bottom:

 

 “…People say Ken is obnoxious, but what can you do? One thing about him is he knows London.”

 

Great – because you can’t stand Boris then Ken’s alright even though he’s obnoxious? Charlie also wrote this charming piece about Cameron and has gone on record as saying that “I’m [Brooker) genetically predisposed to hate the Tories. It’s my default, hard-wired position.”

 

I think it’s safe to say that an objective view of Boris’ credentials for mayor was never going to be in the offing.

 

Brooker would hate me because I’m a Tory, but unlike Charlie I try and remain objective about politics. I’ve held my tongue and smiled a lot recently but it’s hard when you read grubby comment pieces like this.

 

I don’t doubt that James Whale deserved to be sacked according to the letter of the law, but the fact that printed media can get away with character assassination while radio can’t, seems odd. What’s more influential, a late night phone-in or a daily newspaper?

 

As a foot note to the Guardian piece, read some of the celebratory names that have issued anti-Boris quotes under a “not in my London” type of imagined solidarity with the average London citizen:

 

Alan Rickman, Vivienne Westwood, Will Self, Bonnie Greer, Arabella Weir, Bianca Jagger, Peregrine Worsthorne, Dave Rowntree…

 

Despite mixing in a few ‘man on the street’ quotes – admittedly some from Tory supporters – you can’t hide the stench of white, upper-class Islington.

 

And as the elections for mayor proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, London is a much more diverse city that NW1.

 

Me thinks he doth protest too much

I’ve got a lot time for Ian Wright, great footballer, funny bloke, good on the radio…

However, It’s hard to take his criticism of BBC football punditry seriously when you look at what sort of light entertainment shows he’s fronted in the past, and what he’s going on to present. If he thought the BBC made him look like a jester, what on earth does he think Gladiators is going to make him look like, Jeremy Paxman?

I don’t think Hansen or Shearer’s “men in suits” approach is stuffy or outdated. I think it fits the tone of the coverage perfectly. I thought that Wright was a good foil to their more reserved mannerisms but he obviously saw things differently.

Oh well, I look forward to him adding energy and insight into why David - an accounts clerk from Worthing - lost out to Spartan in the Arena of Fire Deathmatch Challenge due to David’s inability to land clear head shots with a 9ft cotton bud while balancing on a platform that’s suspended 20ft above the ground.